dreams,illusions and you

life is always chequered. people sometimes feel a certain void which has sprung up for no inexplicable reason. how do they deal with it?

i cant comment on how others deal with it as i cannot pore into others' soul and ask around but what i can do is tell you something that happened to me. back in the college days i was totally a carefree person, hardly bothering about my academics as i thought i was better off without them. did i pay a price there? its too early to speculate but i have a gut feeling that i made the right choice ,whatever it may be,i dont know why but i do!

the general trend that one can see is :

12 standard (science) -> engineering -> job / higher studies.

i have completed dutifully the first two steps and am eagerly waiting for completing the third. but i was aghast to notice that people who pursued engineering where merely doing it for the sake of it ,not because of a fire in their stomachs. i found it really surprsing when the whole class had a liking to the one particular subject(which one would have never heard of and certainly oblivious of its implications in the industry or wherever) every semester as though ,this was their ulterior motive to pursue engineering and this liking seemed to fade with the final exams making room for a new fad. they were shallow in their interests and thoughts. the only motive that fired them was money.

end of the final semester and i saw my peers scurrying for jobs and not getting one would be considered as a blasphemy and it was only seen as a blotch in your career and as though thou art are doomed! and then there is this clan of students who are rigously preparing for their higher studies. i asked around and was constantly stunned by the same reply,they want their future to be secure! i argued that you can secure it with the degree you have in your hand but they didnt see the meaning of this statement for if at all their purpose is to be secure an undergraduate degree can also take you there. and when asked which field do you want to major in ,i was given equally vague answers. i was talking to people who were known to "score" marks and considered to be efficient in their methods but then again i came from a varsity which didnt deserve any boasting.

one of my friends remarked that i have a knack of defiance.today i potray everything that my peers at college are not. i am a total contrast to them. i have no job neither am i yearn for it, for i feel , jobs like theirs deserve no merit . anybody can accomplish it. i am not a poseur going around boasting of my knowledge . i do yearn for a higher studies. i intend to pursue it because i want to comphrehend the intricacies of a certain field. the effort put in that field and how it has affected the human life and mind you IT HAS!!! i certainly dont wish to pursue it with the idea of earning big bucks. sure i too yearn for money but i also put my passion as a criteria as well. in my college days i would have settled for a job (i had resigned from studies as i didnt enjoy the company of poseurs,though i had a very charming company of people who strived for something different from the rest, who had an unconditional love for a subject regardless of the semester,which was what kept me alive,seriously!!!),now after my internship i felt this is not my life.slogging over crap and also getting yelled at for nothing. no i didnt deserve a wee bit of this. my interests were vested in research ,thats where you come up with something seminal,something that makes you proud of. and to research ,i had to look at higher studies. i am fueled by passion.i will not compromise my dreams at any cost.

forward 3 months after graduation.the situtation is still the same, i am unemployed and i have dreams of graduating in computer security. i am made to understand my errors of the past and that i should have followed the path that my peers did . i honestly fail to see the reason . explaining them my point of view seems to be futile. i just am not them and i cant be them. they are scary!

i am home alone while i draft this and perhaps i am a bit bitter with my experiences but i am remarked to be man with defiance in the blood so i cant stop ,i have to surge on till i find my grail, i seek for so sorely. with pink floyds comfortably numb crooning in the background i feel in terms with a bliss that can be only felt and no words can be competent enough to describe.


this is what gives me hope:


A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.

-Pink Floyd





if anybody feels that he/she has been flamed,then my deepest apologies,i think i was omnious when i was typing this. and i am not boasting!!!i wanted to type more,but not interested!